How to be Alone-By Tanya Davis

This poem moved me mainly because I can relate....but this poem makes me feel like it's okay. Because although I do get "lonely" sometimes, most of the time that I am "alone", I am not truly alone. I may be looked at by others as a hermit, a loner, recluse, but what people may not know is I am perfectly content with being by myself. I spend time reading a good book, watching my favorite shows, creating something I will eventually be proud of, educating myself, visiting a restaurant and people watching while I sit and eat a good meal, watching a movie that I want to watch....One of the most wonderful experiences of my life was driving to Sausalito, CA (alone) and exploring the shops and looking at the ocean....I am my own best friend (minus Alain) and I truly enjoy the time I spend with just me....there is a difference between being alone and being lonely....this poem makes me feel okay with the time I spend with myself.....I loved it.




HOW TO BE ALONE by Tanya Davis

If you are at first lonely, be patient. If you've not been alone much, or if when you were, you weren't okay with it, then just wait. You'll find it's fine to be alone once you're embracing it.

We could start with the acceptable places, the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library. Where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there. Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books. You're not supposed to talk much anyway so it's safe there.

There's also the gym. If you're shy you could hang out with yourself in mirrors, you could put headphones in.

And there's public transportation, because we all gotta go places.

And there's prayer and meditation. No one will think less if you're hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple. Things you may have previously based on your avoid being alone principals.

The lunch counter. Where you will be surrounded by chow-downers. Employees who only have an hour and their spouses work across town and so they -- like you -- will be alone.

Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.

When you are comfortable with eat lunch and run, take yourself out for dinner. A restaurant with linen and silverware. You're no less intriguing a person when you're eating solo dessert to cleaning the whipped cream from the dish with your finger. In fact some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies. Where it is dark and soothing. Alone in your seat amidst a fleeting community.
And then, take yourself out dancing to a club where no one knows you. Stand on the outside of the floor till the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you. Dance like no one's watching...because, they're probably not. And, if they are, assume it is with best of human intentions. The way bodies move genuinely to beats is, after all, gorgeous and affecting. Dance until you're sweating, and beads of perspiration remind you of life's best things, down your back like a brook of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, there're always statues to talk to and benches made for sitting give strangers a shared existence if only for a minute and these moments can be so uplifting and the conversations you get in by sitting alone on benches might've never happened had you not been there by yourself

Society is afraid of alonedom, like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements, like people must have problems if, after a while, nobody is dating them. but lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.

You could stand, swathed by groups and mobs or hold hands with your partner, look both further and farther for the endless quest for company. But no one's in your head and by the time you translate your thoughts, some essence of them may be lost or perhaps it is just kept.

Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from preschool over to high school's groaning were tokens for holding the lonely at bay. Cuz if you're happy in your head than solitude is blessed and alone is okay.

It's okay if no one believes like you. All experience is unique, no one has the same synapses, can't think like you, for this be releived, keeps things interesting lifes magic things in reach.

And it doesn't mean you're not connected, that communitie's not present, just take the perspective you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it. take silence and respect it. if you have an art that needs a practice, stop neglecting it. if your family doesn't get you, or religious sect is not meant for you, don't obsess about it.

you could be in an instant surrounded if you needed it
If your heart is bleeding make the best of it
There is heat in freezing, be a testament.

A Disaster Beyond Your Imagination....

Well, I am supposed to be doing homework right now, but instead I am going to write this while I'm still ticked off...I finally listened to the soundtrack of Love Never Dies which is the new Andrew Lloyd Webber show playing in West End, London. It opened in March, and prior to it opening I was ecstatic about it. It is the sequel (the Andrew Lloyd Webber sequel) to the Phantom of the Opera. I am a huge Phantom of the Opera Phan. It started when I was like 12/ 13 (I can't remember exactly how old I was but I do remember what I was wearing when I first heard it-lol-I may have been 14...? I don't remember) when I was in Washington visiting my aunt and uncle and cousins, and we were going on a road trip, and they played it in the car. I was hooked! I remember my cousin Jill and I singing in the car, and I would convince her sing all the male parts while I sang Christine's role. I feel really bad about it now, being that I am a horrible singer while I am told Jill is excellent, but it's in the past. But I fell in love immediately with the Phantom.

I think I was too young to really grasp the sexuality of the Phantom at the time, but over the years he has had some sort of hold on me that I can't describe. I can't resist him. I will literally play the POTO and go into a trance. I was playing it the other day in my house while trying to clean and had to sit down because it was almost too emotional for me to handle. I mean...I have heard and seen the Phantom a million times and it still affects me like it did the first time. And it's not just the stage production! It's the story, itself. I have read the original, written by Gaston Leroux and recently read the book PHANTOM by Susan Kay which is by far, the best book I have ever read in my life (and I read a lot) and is told so beautifully with a different ending than the original, but one I could accept. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful book!

What is it about the Phantom that keeps me such a devoted Phan? Well, the only way I can describe it is at one point in my life I felt like I could relate to him. Hard to explain and not something I like to go into too much detail about-so I won't, but I always felt like I could understand (to a certain extent) the pain in which the Phantom endured. As well as the fact that I loved him. I still do. I would have never have abandoned him, like Christine did. NEVER!

So when I found out that LND was coming to West End, I asked all my family members for money for Christmas and my 30th birthday so I could travel to London to see it. This video was released to get all the Phans revved up for the opening of LND. The song is beautiful and Ramin Karimloo has a a nice Phantom-like voice....he's no Michael Crawford, but who is? And Sierra Boggess is stunning. She doesn't sing in this video but she doesn't need to...

Either way, after watching this video I was even MORE excited....and then I read "the book".

Ohhh that horrible book, written by Frederick Forsyth, The Phantom of Manhattan! I was clenching my teeth throughout the whole thing. It angered me so much how he degraded Gaston Leroux as a writer (the original writer), stated that ALW's version was the only version that made sense (the real version) and then proceeded to write a horrible sequel, which had Raoul an abusive husband and father. A drunk. Christine sexing up the Phantom prior to marrying her impotent husband, and the Phantom, money hungry living in Manhattan, dressing like a clown and worshiping some sort of Devil/ God of money?....Stupidest book I have ever read in my life! (and I read a lot-lol) I wanted to cause the author physical pain while reading it, it made me so mad. And what was ALW's Phantom sequel based off of? The Phantom of Manhattan!

Now from what I can tell from the soundtrack, it is not totally the same as The Phantom of Manhattan...there are some changes to it (Thank God) but it is still the same general storyline. Suddenly we are no longer wondering what happened to the Phantom after that night he set Christine and Raoul free. We no longer feel the devastation and pure satisfaction we felt when leaving the theater the first time we watched the show. We know what happens and sadly enough-we know it all works out in the end. Who wants a happy ending? Not me!

I am sure that stage show is great. I am sure there are wonderful special effects, and sets and a really cool flying trapeze act which makes up for the fact that the plot is horrid. I don't know? I haven't seen the stage show yet. I have just listened to the score......And the score....it was----good. No really it was good. It didn't hold a candle to The Phantom of the Opera, but it was good compared to Mary Poppins. South Pacific (I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair). Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat....Jesus Christ Superstar? Rocky Horror Pictureshow....these were all the things that were running through my head while listening to it, but not once did I think Phantom except for when they would randomly throw an original Phantom song in there (Little Lotte)....but the score lacked the mystery, the rage, the sexiness, the darkness and beauty that the original score had. There were a few high moments, such as 'Till I Hear You Sing, Devil Take the Hindmost & Love Never Dies....Still no where comparable to Music of the Night, Past the Point of No Return & Think of Me, but still good. There was a song Bathing Beauty which was by far the most annoying song in the bunch but unfortunately the one that gets stuck in your head more easily, and to your dismay and frustration really difficult to get out.

Ramin Karimloo makes a good Phantom although he lacked the danger and sex appeal I so loved about the character.(And him posing naked for a magazine spread with nothing but a Phantom mask to cover his privates did not make him seem any sexier to me.) His voice is pleasant but he is NOT my Angel of Music! Sierra Boggess has a beautiful voice, as beautiful as she is beautiful but I felt like most of the time I was listening to Ariel from The Little Mermaid, which I guess, technically I was since she is the original Little Mermaid from the Broadway show. She needs to lose the Disney sweetness and drop the Ariel act because it is still clearly lurking in her voice. She would come out of it once in awhile though, and I could see her potential as being a wonderful Christine.

But what seriously bothered me the MOST was how every single character in the show was changed (and not in a good way). The Phantom seems to have gone through anger management. Christine and Raoul have no love. Raoul is no longer Prince Charming on a white horse, he is a drunk and a cruel man. I think he is right up there with the way the Phantom USED to be (and that bothered me, because for someone who has gone through so much, wouldn't he appreciate his family a little bit more?) Meg Giry is a....hooker? & Madame Giry...her pimp?....and whose bright idea was it to add "The Freaks"-Gangle, Squelch & Fleck?

Hahahaha! I mean....Come on Lord Andrew! What were you thinking!? And his response is, is that we need to look at it as a "stand alone show" and not compare it to the original. That's pretty hard to do Lord Andrew!.....(sigh) I may still see it?....I'd have to immediately go down the road to Her Majesty's Theater though, afterwards to see the original in order to repair the damage which I inflicted on myself.

In the meantime, I plan to join the cause

LoveShouldDie.com

& get this STUPID song Bathing Beauty out of my head!

Questions I have....? SPOILER ALERT!

1. Why would Madame Giry follow the Phantom to Manhattan and bring her young daughter with them, Meg (only 16)? Didn't the Phantom just murder someone? Doesn't that prove he is a bit dangerous? You really want this crazed man to maybe fall after your own 16 year old daughter instead? Wouldn't it just be smarter to stick him on a boat and say "au revoir" forever?

2. Why would Christine go back and cheat on her fiance with the Phantom the eve of her wedding? Didn't he just try to kill her fiance and threaten to imprison her forever against her will? I realize that he set her free and there was love there, but she was truly frightened of him. I believed it in the book PHANTOM but in that book I thought she went back more out of pity because she knew he was dying.....

3. How many virgin couples having sex for the first time, do you know have mad passionate sex all night long, again & again?....I think ALW forgot how awkward losing your virginity is.

4. Would Madame Giry REALLY prostitute out her own daughter?

5. Would Madame Giry (once a choreographer of the corps de ballet for the Paris Opera House) REALLY allow her daughter, a trained ballerina, work as a burlesque dancer in some sorta of circus freak show?

My Creative Space-Eclipse

Recently I found a project idea to make this necklace. I was trying to find some sort of Eclipse themed item to buy to give to my Twilight buddy, Jenn Lebron in celebration of Eclipse and saw this project idea on Artbeads.com which was inspired by a note in the book by Edward left to Bella saying that he would be back soon. I love Jenn Lebron! She is so much fun & creative, and is a fan of the Twilight book series as well. I have met many people here who watch the movies but have not bothered with the books and it's just not something I understand too well. To me a book is everything and adds so much more depth to the storyline and characters, while a movie is limited. You can only do so much with a movie. It is nice to have a friend here who also feels the same way. We've both been pumped about this movie coming out for quite some time now, so I decided to make these necklaces, one for each of us. You can find the project idea on Artbeads.com but I actually minimized it a bit as the original project was a lot more elaborate and expensive to make. I decided not to add the center filigree link and replaced it with an antique brass bail and left out the crystals that go along the chain. I like the way it turned out because I feel it is more wearable. Not something you just wear to a ball and I like the sentimental message behind it, as well as the way it represents the note left by Edward in the book. :) Love that it references Edward, but I'm still Team Jacob. LOL

Eclipse was great! So worth going to and I cannot wait for the final chapter :) I met some really cool people today. The Beer Sisters, Claire & Mary, whose family has been standing in as the caretakers at the Hospitality House in Vicenza. Both girls were awesome and so much fun to be around. I liked them both right away. Unfortunately, they leave Italy tomorrow, but I was glad I got a chance to meet them both.

Myself & Jenn

And....now that thats over----lets start counting down till Breaking Dawn, shall we?


Twilight Breaking Dawn

My Creative Space-My Challenge

I can finally post this pic because the project was a gift for Gretchen for her 29th birthday, and I finally finished and gave it to her :) but this is what I have been working on lately. I found the pattern in the Spring edition of Crochet Today magazine and it originally was displayed as a bridal necklace made with natural cotton thread and pearls. I tried it in the natural, but decided to do it in a less bridally color with no pearls so it can be worn more casually. It was an advanced pattern so I kept on screwing up because I am in no way an advanced crocheter. All around my house I have little pieces of half finished necklaces that somewhere I messed up and started over. All different colors too because I was having trouble deciding on a color. Anyways, it is done now :) I will probably try to make more in the future, now that I know the pattern pretty much by heart. Plus I want one too :)

Eating with a Purpose

So recently I made some changes to my diet. I have only been doing it for a couple weeks now, but the way I eat has been changing pretty drastically since I made the decision, but changes are happening and for the better. Initially, I decided that I needed to gain at least 10 pounds and I wanted to do it before Alain came home from Afghanistan. Why do you ask would I want to gain at least 10 pounds? Well....for those who know me know that I am a small person. I am 30 years old and I have never weighed 100 pounds in my life. I fluctuate anywhere between 85 to 95 pounds on average. The most I have ever weighed is 97 pounds, but that was while I was pregnant and so it really doesn't count too much. The heaviest I have ever been is 95 pounds naturally, and that was when I was living in California and eating Jack in The Box cheesesticks everyday for breakfast with buttermilk ranch dressing. I had a little bit of a booty back then (for the first time ever) but I can't say it was a healthy weight. Now I know some of you out there are thinking "Oh woe is me! I weigh 90 pounds....Wahhhhh!-Stop your whining Skinny Bitch!"-as I know that many people have the opposite problem as I do and would give anything to weigh a measly 90 pounds. We all want what we don't have and we all think that we are far from perfect. But just like a person who struggles to lose weight, I struggle to gain it, and just like how being overweight is considered unhealthy, being underweight is unhealthy as well.
It was funny, an old classmate of mine turned 30 a couple weeks ago and he posted that he did not know if 30 can really be considered the new 20 as many people say. He said that when he was 20 he was 40 pounds lighter. This really was what got me thinking that I really needed to buckle down and put on some weight. When I was 20 (when I was 18), I didn't weight much less than what I do right now, and for some reason I really think there is something wrong with that. I come from a small family. My Mom is small, both my grandmothers were small. I shouldn't be too worried about my size as I know it runs in my family, but then I started to think about all my failed attempts at getting pregnant. Neither Alain nor I can be tested for infertility issues until we have been trying to get pregnant for a straight year. Alain and I have been married for more than 4 years now and in those 4 years we have not had not one straight full year together. I mean, it's impossible. But what if gaining 10 pounds, bringing me to a healthy weight was all I needed to make this easier on us? It's worth a try, right? It's the one thing I can do to make a difference and use up this time of sexual deprivation to make a difference for the better. LOL....It's worth a try.
And so I have been counting calories. Not only that, but I have been eating healthier. I have been trying to eat clean and organic as much as possible, as well as I recently purchased a cookbook called COOKING TO CONCEIVE that gives you healthy recipes that use ingredients that are considered fertility enhancing. That was more an added thing, not really my main purpose, but might as well cook healthy. But in saying that I have to say one thing about Eating with a Purpose....I have always eaten food to stop my hunger and for enjoyment. What do I feel like today? A hamburger? JIB tacos? A steak?....what am I craving and what is going to satisfy me? I have never eaten for nourishing purposes. I stop when I'm full.
Now I'm eating like crazy for the purpose of calories. How many calories is in this dish? How many calories is in a serving? How many do I need to eat to get a full serving? No, you can't just have three crackers...you have to eat 16 in order to get the full 160 calories. How many calories is in this sauce? 659...Holy crap thats's a lot of calories! How much will it be when I add some pasta?
And then there is the health aspect of my new endeavors.....eating to conceive. Eating to be healthy....you see those muffins I posted a picture of? Those were NOT VERY GOOD. LMAO. They were made with whole wheat flour, oatmeal and raspberries. It was like eating a piece of wheat bread with raspberries on it. I made them today and was thinking of bringing some to my neighbor who is always bringing by cupcakes and stuff to me. LOL. Uh yeah----scratch that. I think when you bring someone baked goods they aren't supposed to taste like cardboard topped with fruit. But I ate it anyways.....why? Because it is a good source of fiber and there is fruit in it.
So point to my story is is that, lately I see eating a little differently than I used to and it is a weird experience for me. When I look at food I see the calories I will get and the health benefits it will have rather than what it's going to taste like. And while I am eating it, I ignore the fact that it taste like crap and when I'm full I keep on eating until I've eaten a full serving. It's just this whole new way of eating for me and it's weird. But it's good. :)

Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It’s for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough…

Haven't posted in FOREVER

I mean, like....my last post I had just turned 30 and now I'm 30.5.....lol, it's been awhile and I'm really no good at this. Plus I'm like the most boring person you will ever meet and although I'm living in a cool country I don't do much to get out. I will tell you that I have been very focused on school, though so at least I don't just sit around all day doing nothing. :)

Speaking of school, for those of you who do not know me, I am back in school (at the age of 30) studying to get a CJ degree to aid in my forensic art endeavors....anyways....that still seems boring, but I am quite determined and proud of myself. My grade are outstanding and the only thing that taints my pretty perfect GPA these days is my not-so outstanding grades I got when I was 19-20 years old. :)

Anyways....what has happened in the past 6 months other than school? Not much....just school. That is my main focus. Alain came home last month for his R&R and it was great to see him. We are past the halfway mark now and being that the older I get the faster time moves, he should be home in no time. Yay!

It's been kinda hard on me since he left though, I went through a rough time and have been trying to come out of it. I'm sorta back to being my old unsociable self which is actually MORE normal for me that trying to put myself out there. Just me in my own little world again, which usually when I produce me best work....for some reason? I don't know why-but whatever. Have a few things I'm looking forward to. I am REALLY looking forward to seeing Eclipse in July (with Jenn Lebron-lol) I don't know what it is about the Twilight series that gets me so riled up but I think that because it has played a big part in my time here in Italy it has significance to me. The first movie Alain and I saw here at the post theater was Twilight. I remember that night vividly. The Last movie we saw before Alain deployed was New Moon. And now Eclipse, and although Alain won't be here for it, I'm excited to see it with a friend.

The other thing I am looking forward to is in September I am traveling to Denmark to stay with my Mom's cousins. They plan to show me where my Mom was born, my grandparents old apartment and Tivoli which is an amusement park/ gardens that my Mom always described to me growing up. I am very excited to go see where my Mom's side of the family is from. My Dad was generous in contributing some money towards my trip and so it shouldn't cost much. This really is going to be the only trip out of the country I take this deployment and I figured I should make it a meaningful one. It's the one thing on my European Bucketlist that is at the VERY TOP so I'm happy I am doing it. :)

Pic of Alain in Afghanistan May 2010 getting promoted to SSG