Eating with a Purpose

So recently I made some changes to my diet. I have only been doing it for a couple weeks now, but the way I eat has been changing pretty drastically since I made the decision, but changes are happening and for the better. Initially, I decided that I needed to gain at least 10 pounds and I wanted to do it before Alain came home from Afghanistan. Why do you ask would I want to gain at least 10 pounds? Well....for those who know me know that I am a small person. I am 30 years old and I have never weighed 100 pounds in my life. I fluctuate anywhere between 85 to 95 pounds on average. The most I have ever weighed is 97 pounds, but that was while I was pregnant and so it really doesn't count too much. The heaviest I have ever been is 95 pounds naturally, and that was when I was living in California and eating Jack in The Box cheesesticks everyday for breakfast with buttermilk ranch dressing. I had a little bit of a booty back then (for the first time ever) but I can't say it was a healthy weight. Now I know some of you out there are thinking "Oh woe is me! I weigh 90 pounds....Wahhhhh!-Stop your whining Skinny Bitch!"-as I know that many people have the opposite problem as I do and would give anything to weigh a measly 90 pounds. We all want what we don't have and we all think that we are far from perfect. But just like a person who struggles to lose weight, I struggle to gain it, and just like how being overweight is considered unhealthy, being underweight is unhealthy as well.
It was funny, an old classmate of mine turned 30 a couple weeks ago and he posted that he did not know if 30 can really be considered the new 20 as many people say. He said that when he was 20 he was 40 pounds lighter. This really was what got me thinking that I really needed to buckle down and put on some weight. When I was 20 (when I was 18), I didn't weight much less than what I do right now, and for some reason I really think there is something wrong with that. I come from a small family. My Mom is small, both my grandmothers were small. I shouldn't be too worried about my size as I know it runs in my family, but then I started to think about all my failed attempts at getting pregnant. Neither Alain nor I can be tested for infertility issues until we have been trying to get pregnant for a straight year. Alain and I have been married for more than 4 years now and in those 4 years we have not had not one straight full year together. I mean, it's impossible. But what if gaining 10 pounds, bringing me to a healthy weight was all I needed to make this easier on us? It's worth a try, right? It's the one thing I can do to make a difference and use up this time of sexual deprivation to make a difference for the better. LOL....It's worth a try.
And so I have been counting calories. Not only that, but I have been eating healthier. I have been trying to eat clean and organic as much as possible, as well as I recently purchased a cookbook called COOKING TO CONCEIVE that gives you healthy recipes that use ingredients that are considered fertility enhancing. That was more an added thing, not really my main purpose, but might as well cook healthy. But in saying that I have to say one thing about Eating with a Purpose....I have always eaten food to stop my hunger and for enjoyment. What do I feel like today? A hamburger? JIB tacos? A steak?....what am I craving and what is going to satisfy me? I have never eaten for nourishing purposes. I stop when I'm full.
Now I'm eating like crazy for the purpose of calories. How many calories is in this dish? How many calories is in a serving? How many do I need to eat to get a full serving? No, you can't just have three crackers...you have to eat 16 in order to get the full 160 calories. How many calories is in this sauce? 659...Holy crap thats's a lot of calories! How much will it be when I add some pasta?
And then there is the health aspect of my new endeavors.....eating to conceive. Eating to be healthy....you see those muffins I posted a picture of? Those were NOT VERY GOOD. LMAO. They were made with whole wheat flour, oatmeal and raspberries. It was like eating a piece of wheat bread with raspberries on it. I made them today and was thinking of bringing some to my neighbor who is always bringing by cupcakes and stuff to me. LOL. Uh yeah----scratch that. I think when you bring someone baked goods they aren't supposed to taste like cardboard topped with fruit. But I ate it anyways.....why? Because it is a good source of fiber and there is fruit in it.
So point to my story is is that, lately I see eating a little differently than I used to and it is a weird experience for me. When I look at food I see the calories I will get and the health benefits it will have rather than what it's going to taste like. And while I am eating it, I ignore the fact that it taste like crap and when I'm full I keep on eating until I've eaten a full serving. It's just this whole new way of eating for me and it's weird. But it's good. :)

Distance is not for the fearful, it is for the bold. It’s for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It’s for those knowing a good thing when they see it, even if they don’t see it nearly enough…

Haven't posted in FOREVER

I mean, like....my last post I had just turned 30 and now I'm 30.5.....lol, it's been awhile and I'm really no good at this. Plus I'm like the most boring person you will ever meet and although I'm living in a cool country I don't do much to get out. I will tell you that I have been very focused on school, though so at least I don't just sit around all day doing nothing. :)

Speaking of school, for those of you who do not know me, I am back in school (at the age of 30) studying to get a CJ degree to aid in my forensic art endeavors....anyways....that still seems boring, but I am quite determined and proud of myself. My grade are outstanding and the only thing that taints my pretty perfect GPA these days is my not-so outstanding grades I got when I was 19-20 years old. :)

Anyways....what has happened in the past 6 months other than school? Not much....just school. That is my main focus. Alain came home last month for his R&R and it was great to see him. We are past the halfway mark now and being that the older I get the faster time moves, he should be home in no time. Yay!

It's been kinda hard on me since he left though, I went through a rough time and have been trying to come out of it. I'm sorta back to being my old unsociable self which is actually MORE normal for me that trying to put myself out there. Just me in my own little world again, which usually when I produce me best work....for some reason? I don't know why-but whatever. Have a few things I'm looking forward to. I am REALLY looking forward to seeing Eclipse in July (with Jenn Lebron-lol) I don't know what it is about the Twilight series that gets me so riled up but I think that because it has played a big part in my time here in Italy it has significance to me. The first movie Alain and I saw here at the post theater was Twilight. I remember that night vividly. The Last movie we saw before Alain deployed was New Moon. And now Eclipse, and although Alain won't be here for it, I'm excited to see it with a friend.

The other thing I am looking forward to is in September I am traveling to Denmark to stay with my Mom's cousins. They plan to show me where my Mom was born, my grandparents old apartment and Tivoli which is an amusement park/ gardens that my Mom always described to me growing up. I am very excited to go see where my Mom's side of the family is from. My Dad was generous in contributing some money towards my trip and so it shouldn't cost much. This really is going to be the only trip out of the country I take this deployment and I figured I should make it a meaningful one. It's the one thing on my European Bucketlist that is at the VERY TOP so I'm happy I am doing it. :)

Pic of Alain in Afghanistan May 2010 getting promoted to SSG

10 reasons why I know The Secret works

1.I used it to get pregnant back in January of '09-unfortunately I didn't remain positive and was so scared I'd lose the baby and I did.

2. I manifest parking spaces everyday

3. I manifested $300. I wrote myself a fake check for $300 and pretended like I already had it. One day I opened the mail and in the mailbox was a $50 visa gift card from my aunt for no reason at all & a $259 refund check that we were not expecting.

4. I wanted Teavana Tea. Went on the site and was looking to see what teas I was going to get when we got our next paycheck. I even downloaded a Teavana App for my Iphone and was sad I didn't have the teas they advertise to use the tea timer on. The next week prior to getting paid I received a present from Alain in the mail and it was a Teavana gift set. Mind you I never told him I wanted tea. In fact I had barely talked to him for awhile because our communication is spotty while he's deployed. He has never sent me tea before nor do we buy it at our house except we received some along with a tea pot as a gift from his best man more than 3 years ago. Crazy huh?

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I will continue to add as more things happen. In the meantime please check out www.thesecret.tv

I just love this video.

This was taken of my nephew (God-son) Nolan in California with the FLIP VIDEO my Uncle Bob gave us for Christmas.

My 30th Birthday 12-22

Turning 30 wasn't something I was looking forward to (at all) I remember when my parents and friends of the family turned 30 when I was young, and they would throw these Over the Hill birthday parties for each other, where everyone would bring black and gray presents and gag stuff consisting of fake old people pills and diapers....I always thought that 30 was pretty old. I just couldn't believe that that was me now....So many goals I had set for myself too and you hit a landmark birthday and think to yourself which ones have I accomplished? I wanted to be a mother by now. Seriously, I think that is my hardest thing to face because I almost was. I should have had a career by now. What am I doing? I'm a student again. Which I actually don't mind because I feel it took me this long to get to a place where I was happy back in school and I totally enjoy my studies and am fortunate that I am allowed to attend school without having to work. (Thank you Alain)-but still...
But in reality, turning 30 wasn't so bad. I thought it would be horrible. I'm still not happy about the whole baby thing, but what can I do? Nothing. My husband is deployed and he has been gone for a good chunk of our marriage. There is nothing I can do about that. I lost the baby we had...I can't get him back-so get over it. What can I do?...Nothing. I gave it everything I had and it didn't work. Hopefully we won't go through the same struggles when he returns from Afghanistan.
I actually think this is a good time for me to be back in school. I am so happy to be in school it's crazy. I love it! You ask me how I liked school 12 years ago and I was frustrated and confused, unfocused and bored. Just wasting the money that was given to me by my grandfather taking classes and then getting bored. How fortunate was I to be given money and not have to worry about school and then not finish? It's because I truly didn't know myself well enough to pursue a career. At the age of 18 you are expected to know what you want to do with the rest of your life. I didn't know.
Now I love it. So it's not bad. Maybe I'm finally grown up enough to be able to buckle down and get this done. I have a whole year to get as much school out of the way. I start more classes on Monday and instead of dreading it, I'm excited. I told Alain last night on the phone that I'm excited that school starts again on Monday and he asked me if I was being sarcastic?, and I said "No-I'm really excited"---and it's true. I am.


So I went home for my 30th Birthday and Christmas. Alain was gone and I knew I'd be depressed so I went home. I got to see friends and family and it was awesome and made the whole "turning 30" easier. It was good to see everyone and thank you for coming out.

Deployment #2 Starting December '09

Dear Lord, Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me. Give me understanding that I may know, when duty calls him he must go. Give me a task to do each day, to fill the time when he's away. And Lord, when he's in a foreign land, keep him safe in your loving hand. And Lord, when duty is in the field, please protect him and be his shield. And Lord, when deployment is so long, please stay with me and keep me strong. Amen.